We belong

We belong. We really do. All of us.

A quote from philosopher, essayist, poet, and novelist George Santayana recently caught my eye. He wrote, "The family is one of nature's masterpieces." I liked the idea of that and thought about what it meant to me, what it could mean for all of us.

A mini hobby of mine, geek that I am, I frequently search for quotes. Here and there I look for sayings that reflect a perspective I may have or ones that make me think. I had just come off a fun and busy, albeit tiring weekend with my immediate family when I came across Santayana's words and they struck a chord.

I thought about how, through thick and thin, I'm grateful that we humans have relationships and connections to keep us going. Family is nature's way to provide us with protection and community, to help us align with others and survive.

I posted the found quote on another social network, namely Facebook, and it struck a chord with a few others also. The words received a few "likes," but one friend responded what others may have been thinking, "Depends on the family."

Yes, I thought. I agree. It does. No one's life or family is perfect. Some is what we make of it all. And some is just purely out of our control.

But this begged the question: Who's your family? We all have at least one. But some of us have many, I believe, since the concept of family, if we want, can take on various forms for each of us.

For most, family could include immediate blood relatives or the adoptive family we came from. Family can also include extended relatives: grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and such.

And of course, family includes any new unit we've formed ourselves, including our own spouse or partner and any children or other adults we reside with.

As I posted that quote, though, I was conscious that most would immediately identify with some traditional definition of the nuclear family. And I wrestled with the possibility that maybe some wouldn't think of their family unit as a "masterpiece."

It wasn't my intent to cause any pain, but really, whose family is a masterpiece? I thought about that some more. Always one to enjoy thinking more about stuff than I need to, I didn't see it as a bad thing to push the envelope on the meaning of family.

Is the traditional sense of family all there is? No, I choose to define family to include all those we share an affinity with.

You've heard before the popular line paraphrased from Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird, that "you can choose your friends, but you sure can't choose your family...." Most may not remember where this line originated, but many remember the saying since it frequently rings true.

Most also don't remember the second part of that discourse also paraphrased that continues "...and they're still your kin no matter whether you acknowledge them or not, and it makes you look right silly when you don't."

The character Atticus Finch makes a good point.

Some may not feel a strong connection to their family for one reason or another, but at the end of the day they are our family no matter what. If all our emotional needs aren't fulfilled in that one family, it's in our own best interest to find our "family" wherever we can.

We can admit then that there's nothing wrong with choosing to live by the proverb "Don't put all your eggs in one basket." In other words, we should diversify and develop relationships and other familial affiliations to meet our own wants and needs.

How to diversify, some may ask? We shouldn't forget the different groups that have been important to us over time and comprise the "families" of our lives: friends, coworkers, neighbors, fellow church members, schools we've attended, sports teams, social networks or clubs we belong to. Basically, any community that has played a part in our lives.

So now ask the question who are our families? Maybe in our own best interest we broaden our horizon and redefine our concept of family to include any societal unit where we experience kinship, where we feel safe, where we share intimate secrets or history, where we feel loved and accepted and can let down our guards to trust. Who represents all or some of that for us? Who do we want to include in our family?

At the end of the day, geek that I am, I enjoyed rethinking the concept of family and what it means to me. Yes, we all belong. It feels good to belong. And we can believe that it's in our own power to make our families where we will and be as happy as we want to be.

I'd love to hear what you're thinking about the concept of family. How are you nurtured? What "families" make up the masterpiece of your life?

Until next time, yours in fun and family connections...Therese

That's what friends are for

Having too much fun? Never.

I love this picture. It says everything I feel about fun with my girlfriends...and guy friends, too, for that matter.

A few years back, this is me and the girls on what's now become the annual girlfriends getaway trip to Myrtle Beach. When my daughter saw I posted this photo on my Facebook wall she suggested that I take it down. I asked why.

Because you all look like you've been drinking a lot. 

Haha! That's too funny. We haven't even had a drink! We're happy! We're laughing! Yes, we're drunk...on happiness!

We did get a good shot, but
 I still like the one with us laughing best.

Did I leave the picture up? Absolutely. The picture highlights some great memories from a wonderful trip with good friends. Whenever I see it, I smile. And I'm not ashamed to show that I can be that silly. Tears of laughter are good for us all.

What were we doing? We were trying to take a picture of ourselves before we went out. We all took turns holding out our arms to try to capture the shot of the group. Somebody was always cut out. We each convinced the rest that we could do better. And the shots got worse and worse until we laughed ourselves silly.

And that's the kind of laughter that is just plain good for you. I always love when that happens. It can't be scheduled, but I'm always ready, willing, and able when the opportunity arises. It's fun to remember good times like these that we've stored up over all the years.

And why do we all like to revisit our "war stories", life experiences and fun with friends, things we did over the years that made us laugh or brought us closer together? Because these are the bonds we weave through life that make the memories to keep us all going. Isn't it the best to know there are groups of friends out there who care that you're on this planet, who look forward to time together, who will be there for you and each other through everything in life?


Catching up with college buddies.

All kinds of studies out there show results that friendships keep us healthy and help us live longer. Isolation hurts us and connections heal us. Social support and a sense of belonging to different groups of friends can especially enrich our lives and keep us stronger with a positive outlook.

We have different friendships on different levels that fill different needs we each have. And we connect and reconnect with these friends all throughout our lives. We have emotional ties with friends from grade school, high school, and college friends; friends from work; friends with whom we've raised our children together; friends from neighborhood communities, children's or our own activities, and shared vacations.

Even employers have also been paying attention to the studies showing that work friends play an important role in our lives. If you have a "best" friend at work, chances are greater that you're a more satisfied and productive employee, that you're more engaged with your job, so team building and cultivating work friendships are de rigueur. But the best friendships are not employer-induced. It's more when you click with someone, when it happens naturally and you both want to chat for hours, that you know you've found a gem of a relationship that deserves some time and polish.

So how much effort does all this friendship stuff take? As much as you want to put into it. But it seems that the more you're willing to invest, the more you'll reap. Sure, there are limits to the hours in our day, and you can't be as close with everyone at all times. It's normal that some bonds and friendships fall away, grow, and renew as we cycle through life.

But don't dismiss the opportunities to develop new, unexpected friendships, as well, to add some spice to your life. Studies caution that those who don't cultivate close friendships or who have trouble making or keeping connections should seriously make an effort to change those patterns for their own health and benefit. Yet some still hesitate to make commitments. Yes, as with all aspects of life, there are times where you may be hurt, but the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. So take chances. It's never a bad idea to be there for others. Someday you may need friends to be there for you.

Always fun when we get together.

To maintain a friendship, do we have to share all things in common with a mini-me of ourselves? Absolutely not. We all have different interests and different needs. It's okay for one friend to fulfill your need to chat about a hobby and another friend to share your love of travel or cooking or sports and yet another friend to be your go-with person for shopping or movie night.

I've found relationships are more rewarding when we don't expect one friend to fill all our needs or try ourselves to be all things to a friend. Most important is to have at least one connection, one thing in common, even if it's just a mutual love and respect for playing a role in each other's life, for being at the same place together at a point in time.

So I'll let you in on a secret. I got all sappy on the way home from work last night thinking about friends in my life. I felt that great wave of fortune come over me that I wish I could bottle. Lots of relationships over time came to mind and it was a pleasant journey. Maybe it's also the technology of Facebook that makes me more mindful of all these friendships.

In addition to all the face-to-face connections we're lucky to experience each day, we have to admit that Facebook enables us to interact in a different way with groups of friends from over the years and all walks of our life. Friends we probably wouldn't have had enough time to connect with. Online, we can engage as much or as little as we like, touching base daily or weekly, reconnecting, finding things you have in common with an old friend, seeing how someone from your childhood grew to be a wonderful adult, and sharing a glimpse of each other's everyday existence.

And it's so convenient to quickly catch up with a friend across the country or on the other side of the world with total ease and immediacy. People seem to either love social media networks or hate them, but I can't help but see the benefits and advantages to all of us, the opportunities to reconnect and strengthen relationships, the healthy support these online friendships can offer. These social networks add another dimension to the friendship spectrum. Ideally, they enhance, not replace, the face-to-face networks we're already a part of.

Remember, Dionne Warwick sang:

Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
In good times, in bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

But friends should never take advantage of each other or disrespect differences in philosophy, personality, or thought. I like what Elbert Hubbard said: "A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same." I like the sound of that. It seems to be an important key to maintaining many friendships with many unique individuals. I don't want to change my friends. I want to love them and like them for who they are. It's healthier to accept and respect differences without trying to change each other. 


Met this friend on vacation in 2006
and we've been close
and vacationed together since.



Reconnecting with someone
from childhood is fun.
Who knew we both enjoy hiking?

So have you thought about how technology has affected or improved your opportunities for friendships?

How important are friends in your life? Do you have your standby group you hang with?

And do you meet with different groups of friends to reconnect through the year?

Are you able to make the time it takes to sustain old friendships and cultivate new relationships?

And if friendships haven't been a priority due to family commitments or work, is it something you want to explore and put some time into?

I'd love to hear what you're thinking or what works for you.

May your friendships thrive and keep you happy and healthy.

Until next time, yours in fun and friendship...Therese        

Living and loving with my best friend

August 15 commemorated the 30th anniversary of my marriage to my best friend, my hubby.

College sweethearts, we've grown up together. We've come a long way from when hubby would dart across campus to pick me up at every classroom door, to walk me to the next before he needed to dart back to his own class in a totally opposite direction. Friends thought he was sweet, but I was on to his ulterior motives. He wanted to make sure no other guy could talk to me en route to class.

1980 Memorial Day picnic with family

May 1981

But I knew I had a keeper when friends offered to take my guy off my hands if I wanted to throw him back. No wonder. He's sociable, warm, caring, and always ready to help anyone in need.

Our courtship was fun and exciting with so much to learn about each other. College is a wonderful time for young adults, both intense and carefree, and in that time, love and friendship grew for us.

And so after my guy graduated from college, we married.   




Therese and Joe, married August 15, 1981

  

Our honeymoon at
Cove Haven, Poconos, PA

 
 

We had our first child, a son. And then I graduated.

Therese and Joe with
baby Sean, Easter 1983

 

    



Family camping with Sean
and baby Melissa, December 1984





Already we wanted another baby, our first daughter.



Family time at the shore, July 1988
Baby Amanda joins us

Three years later, we were blessed with baby number three, another daughter.



Our night out with friends,
OCNJ Night in Venice, July 1988
Melissa watches mommy and daddy

But all along as we raised our kiddies, we were sure to take some time out for ourselves, to go on dates and get away here and there, just the two of us, to rejuvenate and keep our family strong.

Life wasn't always easy, for sure, but as we matured and discovered more about ourselves and each other, we hung together through thick and thin, and figured out how to grow even closer to make the life we wanted for our family.

 







Brooks Family in Sedona, April 1996 

Just like on a plane when you're told to put the oxygen mask on yourself first so you're able to then put the mask on your child, after we nourished our relationship, we were ready and able to give all we had left to our children. And that we did. Family vacations were always the best and we appreciated the time together.

Most years we'd take our annual shore trip to Ocean City, New Jersey, and we'd also camp with friends. But we'd sprinkle in a special trip here and there: the requisite Disney pilgrimage, hiking the Grand Canyon, skiing in Colorado, and many road trips from state to state, following history and visiting every museum and aquarium we could find.

Not sure if the kiddies realized then how lucky they were to have such a close family, with parents that wanted to do so much with them, but I have a strong feeling they do now, so it makes all the effort worth it.

Yes, it wasn't always easy packing for and traveling with five people, who each could surely take a turn being some kind of a pain. But we hung in there together and always came away glad and sure it was all for the good of the family. 

Therese and Joe in Florence, Italy, September 2005

And when our youngest went off to college in 2005, we decided the June before to take an extended tour through the best cities of Europe in that September. What a treat for our spirits and renewed sense as a couple! We've discovered that some of our best vacations are last-minute ideas that we agree, yes, let's just do it! It's always a thrill to quickly plan a trip that you really don't have to wait too long for.

We work hard day to day to earn these special vacations and time together. And we've instilled our love of travel and adventure in the children. All wonderful travelers in their own right, the kids were each quick to sign up to join us on a spur-of-the-moment trip to Italy we planned in June 2009 for that August to surprise my parents vacationing there.

We all recognized that the opportunity was surely once in a lifetime to visit my dad's small hometown in the mountains overlooking the Adriatic Sea. Our daughter flew in from Guam, our son from Texas, and our other daughter and her fiancé who live nearby joined us also, along with other friends and family members. How fortunate we are as parents that our children literally traveled from all ends of the earth to be together with us! So maybe we didn't do half bad.



Brooks Family in Rome, August 2009





And our 28th wedding anniversary fell during that same week in Italy with our family. As a matter of fact, we've spent every wedding anniversary week with our children all these years. This year, our 30th year, was the first that we were to be on our own without the kids, so it just seemed right to go off to Niagara Falls on a whim.

So I am a relatively happy person. Friends tell me I have a fairy tale life and marriage. And I have to say, no, I have a good life, but it's not perfect. Most probably it's very similar to yours, with normal ups and downs, peaks and valleys. But remember, I'm a half glass full kinda girl, so I don't give up no matter what. And hubby has that same stubborn trait in common with me.

Our life is surely not a fairy tale. Yes, the fun and adventure I'm sharing with you sounds oh so exciting, but there's certainly an everyday life we need to live to make it all happen. But it always helps to have something to look forward to, I say, to get you through the day.

And for sure, hubby's not perfect and neither am I. We get on each other's nerves just like any friend or family can. We work hard at our relationship and we love each other fiercely. I can be a loud and passionate Italian (also Irish, German, and French) and hubby's a stubborn Irish-Scotsman. How do we get by? We usually just put our cards on the table and work through any disagreements rather than avoid and prolong any anguish. Every couple is different, but this works for us. And our kids know we love each other immensely, so all's good in our book.

I truly believe, though, that our saving grace is the golden rule I talked about in an earlier post: Treat one another the way you want to be treated. A basic premise of life, if you want respect, treat your hubby or wifey with respect. It works. And if you're ticked or don't really want to play nice, just cool off and figure out anyway how to make it work. Both partners have to want to work on things and not easily give up, though, agreeing basically that the family, as a whole, is way more important than any individual wants or needs.

And so here we are 30 plus years later. Kids all grown. Just the two of us day to day, with our two long-haired Chihuahua pups. Ready and willing for fun and adventure on our own and also happy when our kids can join us. Life is good.



Our 30th wedding anniversary,
August 15, 2011, Niagara Falls

On our recent trip to Niagara Falls to celebrate our 30th anniversary, we relaxed and enjoyed each other's company. We walked a lot, since that's what we do on vacations, and we marveled at the wonder of the world in front of us and how lucky we were to visit.

And to remember our three-day mini-getaway to Niagara Falls, we decided to purchase a photo a professional photographer took of the Horseshoe Falls on the Canadian side. We had taken so many ourselves, but wanted to ensure we had a good shot we could frame for our anniversary. There were so many photos to consider, shots from every angle and perspective.

One I really liked was a landscape of the falls, all water, cool and green, so refreshing. It would be a nice memory of the cool mist we experienced during our Maid of the Mist excursion and journey behind the falls. But something was missing. The cool in the photo was, well, too cold.

Another photo then caught my eye: a portrait that included blue sky with warm yellow sun encroaching upon looming dark clouds. 

It was a hard decision between the two, but the portrait won out. The whole scene seemed more balanced and representative of a long marriage with experiences both warm and cold, with sunnier times and cloudy, gloomy days, too. It was real and it was life at its worst and best, accepting it all, the bad with the good. It represented our real life.

And now we're starting what we hope will be the next thirty plus years of our life together. And we'll surely continue to have our ups and downs. But at the end of the day we both know who we want to live and love with. Through thick and thin, each other. 

Until next time, yours in fun and adventure...Therese

I get by with a little help from my friends

People are nice. It’s really heartwarming when you stop to think about all the wonderful people on this good earth. Yes, there are the sad ones who hurt others and get featured on the evening news. Someone may not have treated them so well and they make the poor choice to continue the cycle. Evil is hard to understand and it can be depressing, but if we let them bring us down, they’ve gotten the best of us…and that’s what they want.

Yes, sometimes it’s hard, but for my own sanity I choose to dwell on the good people. It’s healthy to stop and take notice of all the good around us, especially when it’s so easy to see the negative. We all have our go-to people, family and friends, the ones who comfort us when we need a hug, some reassurance or a few kind words. And it’s important to be there for others when they need us. All in all, it’s more gratifying when it’s a give-and-take situation. But for me, the best is always when you least expect it.

This happened for me last week. I was at work when my personal phone rang in a meeting and I saw a close friend was calling. She never calls during the work day…we have our reserved times to chat. My gut instinct was that it was an important call. I knew that I should wait to listen to the message and call her back. I had two more meetings to get through.

My instinct was spot on. After the meetings, I braced myself to listen to the voicemail. My friend’s voice was solemn and the brief message requested a call back. No chirpy update. I just knew. I called her back and heard that our dear friend had lost her battle with cancer. Flooded with emotion, I ran into a work acquaintance in the hall that I had just met the week before. She could tell something was troubling me. We stopped and chatted. She listened and expressed her sympathy. And she shared that she had not too long ago lost her father. She shared how difficult it was and how she had cared for him. It was a warm conversation with someone I barely knew. We hugged at the end and I felt better for having talked with her. I had a few other interactions with co-workers before the end of the day. Everyone had kind words of comfort. I was glad to know all these people were there.

Next morning I arrived to start the new work day. And here’s what greeted me at my desk:

A mason jar filled with summer beauty, nestled in exquisite napkins in a hand-cut paper bag. Accompanying the flowers, a homemade card featuring a stunning photograph of more floral beauty, one of my own favorite things to snap.

“Memories, Laughter, and Love” on the front. And inside: “May they comfort you during this difficult time. Thinking of you.” Signed on the inside and back by the beautiful artist who created this warm and thoughtful gift to me.

Who was this from? Who took such time and care to comfort me? This was all from the person I had just met last week.

People are good. People are kind. That thoughtful gesture meant so much to me. All week, it touches my heart over and over.

And this is just one example of the kindness all around us that we are fortunate to witness every day. There are many special people who make differences in our lives, big and small.

As I’m sure you do, I cherish the different friends I have for different reasons. All it takes is one connection to create a friendship. We have our friends from our past and present, from all walks of life, from everywhere we’ve been. It’s exciting to never really know who we’ll be back in contact with and when. With social networking opportunities now in front of us, we can reconnect with those we’ve never forgotten, but life just happened and got in the way. Easier than ever, opportunity abounds to rekindle friendships and grow new relationships. A former casual acquaintance can now be someone you enjoy touching base with online on almost a daily basis. A friend or relative on the other side of the world is now just a few keystrokes away. Amazing technology enriches our lives.

And our everyday personal encounters, face-to-face interactions, are the capstone of our friendship spectrum. Nothing is better than knowing someone cares about you and will be there for you if you need them and they want you there for them, too. And it’s even nicer when it’s someone you least expected.

So you know what they say about paying it forward. This act of kindness I experienced last week is sticking with me for a reason. I’m meant to seek an opportunity to pay the kindness forward. Don’t know when or what that is yet, but what I know is true is that we all get by with a little help from our friends (thank you, Beatles). Looking forward to realizing what opportunity awaits me to make a small difference in someone’s life. As Martha says, it's a good thing. I only hope I can be as thoughtful.

Until next time, yours in fun and friendship…Therese

Live your life: Do one thing every day that makes you happy

We lost a dear friend today. Yes, life is good, but it’s also not fair at times. Whether we see parents losing children or children losing parents, it’s never easy. It’s never okay. But life can still be so enjoyable when we learn to face the challenges in front of us and accept that we have no guarantees on this good earth.

Fran, Therese, and Claudia

My friend Claudia was a smart, strong woman, sporty and athletic. She was a devoted wife to one of the most wonderful and positive husbands we know. She was a dedicated mother to two of the finest children parents could have. They are smart, athletic, and so much a result of a loving family environment. I always admired Claudia’s strength and loved her sense of humor, not to mention her warm, caring attitude. All our friends knew she truly cared about each one of us and our families. Our children grew up together and we shared everything from sporting events to special occasions. Even though we may not have seen each other every day as the kids got older, when we did all get together, it was like we never missed a beat. There was always love, fun, and laughter.



Jerry and Claudia, a beautiful couple. Role models for the rest.

Losing someone close reminds us all of the frailty of life. Death makes you realize that we shouldn’t take any day for granted. No sense putting off enjoying your life waiting for everything to be lined up and perfect. Life’s not perfect, so you’ll waste a lot of time waiting for that day to come. Losing another friend in our crowd makes me think some more about how I want to live my life. It’s all still a work in progress as it should be. When our work is done, our finite time in this life with those we know here is over.

Here are some thoughts that motivate me and things I strive for to live my life to the fullest:
• One of my favorites: Don’t sweat the small stuff. And it’s all small stuff.
• Be the best you can be. Don’t beat yourself up when you make mistakes. (Note: I said “when,” not “if.” We are human.)
• Accept that you can only do your best. We only know what we know, but we can continue to learn and improve our attitude.
• Do what makes you happy. It’s a choice. We all have ups and downs, but search for a bright spot and make your own happiness. And if you don’t have the will to make a change or fix something, try not to complain so much. It's never attractive.
• Be patient with others. You don’t know what someone else is dealing with.
• Be tolerant of those with beliefs that don’t match your own. Open your eyes to how others may think. We are all products of our environments, but we have the power to be so much more if we are willing to work at who we want to be. You may be certain you’re on target about an idea, but yes, acknowledge that you can’t always be right. Although no one can take away your own perspective, leave room for growth. If you’re at an impasse with someone, agree to disagree then move on. It’s just not worth standing in the way of peace, yours or theirs.
• The golden rule: Treat others the way you want to be treated. How could this not be obvious?
• Recognize ignorance, but don’t let it ruin your day. Don’t let small minds get the best of you and bring you down. Serve as an example to others. You may be the person to inspire and teach another.
• We can’t even control our own universe, so it won’t be helpful to try to control others. That’s always a lose-lose situation.
• Friends and family are always important. Make time for them in your life.
• Don’t rush life. As children, days seem to move slowly and we constantly remark that we can't wait for our birthday, summer, holidays, until we can make our own decisions and do what we want…. Life goes fast enough as we mature. Enjoy something you like each day and remember what Thomas Jefferson said, "Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today."

When the children were young, Claudia and I spent many days and nights together while they played. We talked about life, fun, and our families. Recently at the hospital, we talked just like we did over many years. Claudia was not a complainer in life or sickness. Always a positive force, Claudia didn’t waste time feeling sorry for herself. In the hospital, we caught up on the latest. We chatted about our families, what the kids were doing, and she asked about my daughter’s upcoming wedding plans.

Claudia happy to see our son.


At the end of the visit, Claudia said she was sorry she didn’t have much to contribute to the conversation because she’d been holed up in the hospital room so long, but she said it was so nice to hear what was going on with us and talk about “normal” things. What Claudia didn’t realize was that it was a normal conversation and she contributed so much, as she always had. This was normal for Claudia—loving, caring, and warm—making a difference in all the lives she touched. Thank you, dear friend. We love you always for your friendship and vibrant life. Knowing you made me happy. Thanks for modeling for us all how to live life to the fullest and be happy each day.

Until next time, yours in faith and friendship…Therese